A New Year and a New Outlook

I started out this year pregnant.  I found out on the 11th that I wasn't pregnant anymore.  Not only had I lost the baby (my 2nd loss out of 3 pregnancies) but I was diagnosed with a molar pregnancy.  I had my D&C on the 15th.  I should find out in 2-8 weeks what type of molar pregnancy I had and what my treatment options are after that.

Here is what sucks:

1. That this could lead to cancer.  Although this type is completely curable, it may have to be treated with chemo.  I like my hair.  I wish not to lose my hair.  
2. Dr. want us to wait AT LEAST a year before we try to get pregnant again.  This is if there are no further complications.  Although I was scared to death of having 2 kids, I had started getting excited about M having a sibling.  She's obsessed with babies so I think she would have had a lot of fun with an infant that was "all her own."
3. I have a feeling that for some reason M was a fluke.  A miracle baby.  That, little do we know, I am prone to loss.  That we will have no more children, but spend years trying and failing to do so.
4. I had thought about being a surrogate after my 2nd pregnancy.  I'm pretty sure this rules me out.

Here is my positive spin on things:

1. Fuck that doctor.  Don't get me wrong, I really love my OB.  However, she is high if she thinks that I'm waiting a year to try again.  Granted, if there are complications (ie. cancer) then I will wait.  However, if everything goes off without a hitch I plan on trying again this summer/fall.
2. I can't wait to get back into the gym.  I was doing well before I got slammed with fatigue and morning sickness.  I plan on using this recovery time to focus on myself a bit.  Not only will this give me an outlet to pour all my pain and frustration, but I hope to get back in shape; physically, mentally, and emotionally.
3. I'm not saying that I was taking M for granted.  I will say that I've taken a step back and now see this whole mothering thing in a new light.  I appreciate her more.  I find myself giving her more hugs and kisses, so much so that she pushes me away saying "NOOOOO!" while smiling and giggling.  The little things she does that bugged me before aren't as annoying anymore.  
4. I can work on the house some more.  This weekend I'm working on re-finishing the vanity in the bathroom.  After that will be finishing painting the trim.  I have no reservations about using that stinky paint stripper now that it's not going to harm a fetus.
5. I hear there is great "medicine" that I can take to help with the side effects of chemo if it comes to that.
6. Summer is coming and that means sunshine and fresh air.  Things get really fun in the summer.  My mom friend that are teachers are off so I get to see them and their kids more.  There's more play dates.  M will be big enough to play and slide on the jungle gym at the park and she'll finally fit in her wagon.  It's garage sale season.  Plus my gym has a pretty sweet pool area with slides, jungle gym/splash pad, and lazy river.

So as much as this year started out to be pretty crappy, I feel confident that I can turn it around.  After all, I have a supportive husband, a brilliant daughter, and, hopefully, my health.