My Birth Experience: What I Expected-What I Got

Going Into Labor
What I Expected: Natural and Med-free

What I got: Induced, Pitocin, Epidural

Please Explain: Dr. induced me due to lack of fetal movement and low amniotic fluid around the baby.

How I felt about it: Totally upset at first. I cried when the Dr. told me to go to the hospital. It wasn't my plan. I wasn't expecting to have my baby that day. I wasn't ready! I felt like my body was letting me down and that I was letting my baby down. While laboring in the hospital I broke down again because I felt total loss of control and backed into a corner. The nurse talked me through it and I was able to calm down, accept what was happening, and proceed through the labor

Jordan: Was level headed and calming. He talked though things with me and let me know that it wasn't my fault that this was how it was going to happen. He reassured me that it was for the best and encouraged me to be excited to meet our baby.


Labor
What I Expected: Smooth, relaxed and zen-like

What I Got: Screaming, contorting, crying

Please Explain: I had practiced breathing and relaxation techniques throughout the pregnancy. I thought I'd make it through the contractions by breathing, walking, leaning on Jordan, or using the birthing ball. Since I was hooked up to an IV I wasn't able to labor in the tub or shower.

The contractions weren't that bad until my water broke. After that it all went down hill. When people say "Labor is the worse pain you'll ever feel." they are lying. It's far FAR worse. I tried breathing through them but ended up screaming. I tried different positions and ended up writhing in pain, clutching Jordan's hands an begging him to make it stop. I tried going to the "soothing place" and not being able to find anything but hell.

How I felt about it: I know I was making loud, strange, primal noises. For a while I was worried about what the people in the room or in the hall would think of me. But, I did what came natural to me and I'm 100% fine with that.

Jordan: Felt helpless. He said it was extremely hard to see me go though that sort of pain and not be able to help.


Epidural
What I Expected: Not to have one

What I Got: An epidural

Please Explain: I went as LONG as I could and then some. I wasn't trying to be Super Woman, but I didn't want to give in too soon. The 1st one only worked on 1/2 of my body. After an hour and a half of they called in another epidural. Trying to get an epidural while having contractions is super scary. I kept begging the anesthesiologist not to paralyze me. At one point the bed wouldn't stay elevated so he had to do it as the bed slowly slid down. Then the nurse would put the bed back up and it would slide back down again. I'm trying to stay still between contractions and the bed is sliding and I'm terrified.

The needle itself didn't hurt so bad. When they injected me it felt warm and tingly. Then it was numb. Strangely numb. It was nice to have no pain. During recovery my back hurt and was very sensitive at the injection site for a few days.

How I Felt About It: I thought I was going to beat myself up about it but I didn't. I'm glad I got it and wish I would have gotten it sooner. Strange as it might sound, I'm also glad I got to experience that sort of pain with contractions.

Jordan: Helped support me while I got the shot. He totally supported my decision to have it done and never made me feel like I giving up.


Pushing
What I Expected: Pushing forever, Episiotomy

What I Got: 20 minuets of pushing, no episiotomy

Please Explain: The Dr. did perineum massage as I was pushing.

How I felt about it: Relieved. I had some minor tearing. I only needed one little internal stitch.

Jordan: Happy


Crowning and Birth
What I Expected: Burning. I didn't want Jordan to watch. I didn't want a mirror

What I got: Minor burning and pressure. Jordan watched. I watched with the mirror

Please Explain: I felt minor burning when she crowned. It wasn't painful but I felt a lot of pressure and stretching. I know Jordan wanted to watch and I found myself wanting him to watch. I had the nurses get the mirror so that I could watch too. I only pushed 20 minuets.

How I Felt: I was determined to meet my baby. I was excited. I saw her in the mirror and was blown away. I got to feel her head when it came out. I saw her come out and it left me breathless. They put her on my chest, sucked out her mouth and nose and she cried. I looked at Jordan and he was crying and smiling.

Jordan: Was in awe.


Meeting Our Daughter:
What I Expected: Happiness and Love

What I Got: Breathtaking, overwhelming, all encompassing joy

Please Explain: I almost couldn't believe it when they gave her to me. She cried a little, then settled down. Her eyes were wide open and she was looking at me. She was bloody and slimy and I didn't care. I pulled her up to my face and kissed her. She smelled so good. I was crying told her how much I loved her.

How I Felt: Awesome!

Jordan: Once I got an hour on skin to skin time with her, the nurses took her and got her weight, height, and other measurements. When they were done they gave her to Jordan. He was wearing just a zip up hoodie and put her against his chest and zipped her up. He got to snuggle her while the nurses worked on getting me up and to the bathroom.



Recovery

What I Expected: A lot of pain and discomfort

What I Got: A lot of pain and discomfort

Please Explain: Even though I didn't get an episiotomy, I did suffer a pretty big vaginal abrasion. It's like a rug burn, or road rash, on your vagina. That's been the worse part of my recovery. It feels like getting acid poured on an open wound every time I use the bathroom. I literally brings me to tears. The only relief I get is sitting in front of a little fan to cool things off and air things out.

How I feel: It sucks. It makes it hard to be in a good mood when you're in pain all day. I find myself not wanting to drink too much so that I don't have to pee. I know this is bad because I have drink a lot to breastfeed.

Jordan: Feels bad hearing me cry when I pee. He's still very supportive.

My Overall Experience
Even though things didn't go as planned, I couldn't be more happy with how things turned out. Our baby is happy, healthy, and beautiful and that's all I could ask for.

38 Weeks

How Far Along: 38 weeks

Dr. Says: I'm 1/2cm dilated. About a fingertip. While this isn't a lot, it's better than nothing. Just because I'm dilated doesn't mean that labor is near. She's guessing that the baby weighs around 7lbs 4oz.

Weight gained: None in the last 2 weeks so I'm still sitting around 13ish lbs. I was feeling really skinny in my waist yesterday so maybe she's just feeding off my fat reserves.

How I'm feeling: Where to begin?

• Excited: Sometimes I get so excited to meet her that I'm willing to do anything to get her out. We've tried some things to try to move her along. Jordan and I have been having more sex. I've been trying to eat labor inducing foods and going on walks. Sometimes this gives me contractions for a while, but they're not regular or "real" ones, just intense Braxton Hicks.
• Bittersweet: There's only 2 weeks until my due date. I feel like Jordan and I should be spending as much time alone as we can. It will never be just us again. Even when we get alone time after the baby, I know my mind will always be on baby. I get so overwhelmed with the thought that it will never just be the 2 of us again. We have such a great thing going now and I'm worried how the baby will effect our lives once she's here. So even though I'm sad that our time as a twosome is coming to an end, I'm also happy that we'll get to start sharing our lives with our baby.
• Emotional: My moods are out of control. I cry all the time for the strangest things. I'm irritable and sometimes a little mean. I'm over the moon happy and energetic. I feel bad for Jordan because he never really knows what he's walking into. I try to let him know when I'm in a bad mood and that's it's not his fault. He seems to understand and takes it all in stride.
• Lack of Control: Some days I hardly feel her moving at all. I'll try every trick I have to get her to move and she still won't move. I freak out. I get sad and depressed and obsess over the thought that my baby has died in my womb and I'll never get to meet her. I think morbid thoughts about her funeral and what I would do with the nursery and how I'd never want to be pregnant again. How all this would be for nothing. The closer I get to her due date the more I want her out and in my arms. I feel that I can protect her and have more control over her well being with her out of my belly. I have no control over what's going on in there and it freaks me out.
• Scared: We're going to have a baby and that's scary. We've never done this before and we don't know what we're doing. I can read all the books and blogs and gather all the information I can. I still have no idea what to do with a newborn. Nor does my husband. Scary.
• Excited: WE'RE HAVING A BABY! I'm excited! Jordan's excited! Our family, especially our mothers, our super excited! Our friends are excited! I can't wait to show her off and dress her up. I can't wait to sit with her and Jordan and ohh and ahh over every time she moves her face or makes a noise. I just want to stare at her. Hold her. Cuddle her. Coo at her. I love her so much already and I'm excited for more love to EXPLODE!

My house is: Spotless. I cleaned the nursery one last time and closed the door. I have to stop going in there because every time I do I re-clean it. Every night before bed I clear the tables and counter tops and sinks. I fold up the couch blankets and put the pillows nicely. I make the bed in the morning, something I never did before. If, at a moment's notice, I go into labor and have to rush to the hospital, I know I will be coming home to a clean house. And that makes me feel good.

Jordan: Still super supportive. He spends time with me. He listens to my concerns and calms my nerves when I break down. He does everything he can to make my life easier. He's going to be a great father!

Cravings: Fresh fruit. For the last week I've been having a LARGE plate of fruit for lunch: Cantaloupe, strawberries, cherries, pineapple with cream cheese fruit dip. I usually have a pint of blueberries with breakfast. Thankfully all these fruits are in season, decently priced, ripe and tasty. I've also been craving pasta. Bowls and bowls of pasta. With or without sauce, doesn't matter to me.

What I Miss: Being comfortable. I want to get up without wincing in pain. Or bend over without feeling like I'll tip forward. Or be able to put my shoes on without having to sit down.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Normal clothes. I'm hoping that my lack of weight gain makes it easier to loose weight after the baby. With how my hips and thighs have changed I'll probably never fit into my pre-pregnancy jeans again. I want to re-vamp my style. Maybe try something new. I'm sick of jeans and tee-shirts. I want to look girly and fun. Thankfully it's going to be summer time and I can wear dresses and cute tops.

3 Years

Jordan and I are celebrating our 3 year anniversary today.

Here's our story:
We met in October 2004 at a Halloween party at his fraternity house. I had seen him up there a few times and thought he was cute. My friend was in the same rush class as Jordan so I asked him to introduce us. I was dressed as Zorro. Jordan was dressed as a Russian rap artist. After the introduction we hung out for a bit. Since Jordan's costume consisted of a big furry hat and sunglasses, I remember wondering if he was the same guy I had had my eye on. We exchanged numbers and the next day I called him to see if he wanted to go to another Halloween party with me. He did.

For 3 nights after the Halloween holiday we watched movies on the couch. It took him 3 dates to kiss me. I'm kind of glad for that. On our 1st real date we want to the movies to see Saw 1. We were pretty much attached after that. We mostly hung out at my place. I'd cook him dinner and then we'd watch movies. Since I had an apartment and he still lived in the dorms he spent the night almost every night. It's fun to remember him, me, and my yellow lab, Emma, all squeezing in my little twin bed every night.

After college I moved to Georgia for a culinary apprenticeship. It was a 3 year program. Jordan would come visit every month or so. In February I flew out to attend his fraternity's formal. Through the whole dinner I could see the ring box in his pocket. After dinner he got on one knee, sung me a song, and proposed. I said yes. I flew back to GA with a shiny new ring on my finger and the constant urge to move back home to be with him. I quit the apprenticeship after a year and moved to Indianapolis.

Jordan still had one year left in school so I worked planned the wedding while he finished. Indy was only an hour away from Purdue so we saw each other almost every weekend. In 2008 Jordan graduated and a week later we got married. We took a 3 week honeymoon in Europe. It was amazing. After that we moved in with my mom and waited for Jordan to work out his employment with his current job. Once he was hired we moved in with his parents to save for our house.

We bought our house a few days before Christmas in 2009. We moved in on New Year's Day. I got pregnant in August of 2010.

The last 3 years have been a whirlwind. It's so amazing to look back on it all. I feel so blessed that all these good things have happened to us. Jordan's job will allow me to stay home with the baby. We have a nice house. Our health is great and we have amazing support from our families and a good circle of friends. And soon a baby.

My husband and I are more in love than ever. And for that, I feel the most lucky.

Clean Clean Clean

I know I posted about this before. But, honestly, how I felt then has nothing on what's going on now. My nesting instinct is in full force.

The nursery is 100% done! Everything is set up and ready for the baby. However, every time I go in there to look around or adjust something, I have to vacuum and dust it again. I vacuum in there every other day, if not every day. I can't explain why. For some reason my brain screams at me that the room must be PERFECT so that when I bring her home it's clean and ready.

The same goes for the rest of the house. I walk around tidying, dusting, sweeping, and obsessing over every little thing that gets moved out of place. The vacuum is attached to me and I carry it everywhere. When I do laundry I actually put the clothes away instead of leaving them folded in the laundry room (then wipe everything down and do the floors). I've pulled out everything in every cabinet and cupboard and reorganized and cleaned it. I've been purging things we don't use. My pile for the Goodwill is growing into a mountain. If I haven't used it since we've moved in then I want it gone. The garage is cleaned and reorganized and I've just given the basement another overhaul: purging and cleaning and reorganizing.

My house is spotless. The Pope could eat off my floors and drink from my toilet. Yet I still find myself dealing with this obsession. I want to bring my daughter home to a clean house. I don't want to be sitting in the hospital worrying about coming home to a mess. The last thing I want is to walk through the front door with my newborn and feel like I have to clean. I feel that by keeping my house in a constant state of cleanliness it helps to calm my nerves and help me relax a bit. At this point, every form of stress relief helps.

36 Weeks

How Far Along: 36 weeks

Weight Gained: 12 pounds

Dr. Says: Everything's looking good. Not dilated yet. She gave me signs to watch out for labor and when I should go to the hospital. I'm seeing her every week now.

How I Feel: Like a blimp. Moving is awkward and uncomfortable. I've been sleeping better but I'm tired more throughout the day.

Cravings: Water. I'm super thirsty all the time.

Aversions: None really

How Jordan's Holding Up: He's stressed out about his list. He's added a lot more to it and seems to add 2 more things for everything he's checked off. When I tell him there's 3 1/2 weeks left his eyes change and he looks a little freaked out. We continue to talk about how things will change and what we're looking forward to after the baby comes.

Completed Projects:

• Changing table/dresser: We had picked up this dresser off Craig's List for $100. It's all wood and really nice. I had sanded and painted it and moved it into the nursery. Then the paint started peeling off it. I cried. Really, I cried. I had a melt down. We moved the dresser to the garage where I stripped all the paint off and sanded it to the bare wood. I primed and painted it again. It's back up in the nursery. If the paint peels again the dresser is going out the window.
• Crib Skirt: I'm so proud of myself for completing this project. It was my 1st time sewing ruffles and it turned out amazing!
• Baby gear: I've put together all the baby gear including bouncy seat, swing, pack and play, co-sleeper, 2 strollers, high chair, jumparoo. It's invaded our whole house.
• Helped Jordan fill in the pool hole: We filled it in and planted it last year, but it settled so much that we've had to do it again. So far we've put 3200 pounds of soil on the spot. We're waiting for it to rain to see how much it settles and how much more dirt we need.

What I'm Looking Forward To: Kentucky Derby party this weekend. Jordan's suit is so great. I can't wait for people to see it. I plan on eating a lot. I'm also looking forward to wearing normal clothes once I deflate. I'm so sick of wearing my slim selection of maternity clothes.

Want to Know Something Strange that's Probably TMI? My boobs leak when I do crafts for the baby. Doesn't matter if it's scrapbooking, making headbands or hair bows, or sewing a crib skirt. It happens every time. It freaks me out.

Strange Pains: I've been getting what I like to call "Charlie horse of the crotch." It's like when you get a Charlie horse, but in the crotch. It wakes me up at night. I get Charlie horses in my calves while I sleep about once a week too. I've also had a pulled muscle in my left hip/butt cheek for weeks! It makes putting on pants or shoes standing up very hard to do.

Here are some photos from a maternity shoot that Lauren Murphy took.