Another Child?

Though Madilynn is less than 3 months old, many people have asked me if and when I was going to have more babies. My response to this is always, "Well, my husband wants one more, but she's my one and only." This response is taken well by a few, but many people, their response is something like the following:

"Oh, you'll want/have more." <--- Really? I will? I didn't know you were psychic.
"Babies are so fun and cute! I want tons of babies!!!" <----- You obviously have no babies.
"But she'll need someone to play with."< ------ I'm sure she'll make many friends at school
"But I want more grand babies.<----- Uhhh...Neither Jordan nor I are only children.
"You'll change your mind when Madilynn gets a little bigger.< ----- Here's the kicker. The one that gets me every time.

I know this might sound bad, but if Madilynn was born a boy then I would totally be down for a 2nd child. If I knew, 100%, that my next child would be a boy, I'd be all for it. I don't want 2 girls. Girls are emotional and mean. They want to dress up and play pretend. That's not my bag. I like to be outside. I like sports. I had an older brother and mostly guy friends growing up. I just feel like I relate more to guys. I'm just now, at 27, starting to get into clothes and hair and all that. I feel more feminine now than I ever have. Two boys I could handle. But 2 girls? And, trust me, deep down I know if I got pregnant again it would be a girl.

It makes more sense, financially, to have one child. That's only one car when they turn 16, one college tuition, one wedding (again with the girl thing). When we take vacations, it's only 1 extra ticket. It would be cheaper to dine out, see movies and go to amusement parks.

I just got over a cold and have just had a mild bout of.... food poisoning? stomach bug? whatever...have just thrown up multiple times. I had to call Jordan home to help with the baby because I was dizzy and light headed and couldn't walk without getting the spins. I was scared to pick up the baby. Laying in bed with her fussing while I waited for Jordan to get home was AWFUL. All I wanted was to lay in a dark, cold, quiet room. And guess who wanted to eat (twice) and blew out her diaper while waiting for Dad to get home. This takes me back to the days when I had constant morning sickness. And I remember, on a particularly bad day of morning sickness, wondering what I would do if I had a toddler to take care of. I could barely make it through the hour and a half it took Jordan to get home from work. How would I manage 13 weeks of constant sick, with another, demanding person to take care of?

And then there's the guilt. I want to give Madi everything. All my love and attention. I don't want her to be jealous of a new sibling. I don't want to have to spread myself too thin. I would feel bad for both children that I couldn't give them my 100%.

And Madilynn is SUCH a good baby. She hardly ever cries and is almost sleeping though the night. I just know our 2nd child would be a terror. You don't win the lotto twice, my friend.

However, if we had another child, Madilynn would have a sibling to grow up and play with. Jordan and I wouldn't be her only source of entertainment. We could have one kid mowing while the other one did dishes. Now that sounds nice. We would have, possibly, more grandchildren to enjoy in our old age. And more than one child to burden when we get sick and feeble and need someone to take care of us.

I asked Jordan the other day, "In your heart of hearts, do you think we'll have another child?" He said yes. He wants another child. Hands down he does. I asked him if he would feel unfulfilled, like he'd be missing out, if we only had one child. He said no. So who am I to take away his dreams of having the family he wants? What about what I want?

I know it's WAY too early to even be thinking about this. But the thought is brought to my attention every now and then. I can't help but try to look into my future and figure out which steps to take to get where we're going.