Returning to Work

A while back I was having a really hard time dealing with the stress of taking care of Madilynn all day.  She was sick and I was hormonal and it wasn't a good mix.  I started to put my feelers out there and looking for a part time job so that I could get away for a bit.  There's a new gourmet market coming to town and they have a very upscale bakery.  I decided to apply for a part time position there. 

I talked to my mother in law and asked if she could watch Madilynn while I was at work.  She said that she would be able to watch her M-Thur.  Her and my father in law have a condo in the city and they weekend there most of the time.  The hours that I will most likely be working are 7-4.  Jordan will be in charge of getting her up and to his mom's house.  I will pick her up after work.

I was called in for the 1st round of interviews and it went really well.  The recruiter I met with said she thought I'd be a good fit and that she was going to recommend me for the position.

While I was waiting to hear back from them, things changed at home.  Madilynn and I were getting along better and I couldn't get enough of her.  She's becoming more active and more fun to hang out with and we were having a great time together.  I also became more involved in some mommy groups so I was keeping busy with that as well.  The thought of leaving her broke my heart.  Knowing that my MIL would be on the receiving end of the smiles and giggle instead of me brought me to tears.  I started second-guessing myself and if I REALLY wanted to go back to work.

Another thing that has me wavering is thinking about being up all night with Madilynn and then having to go to work exhausted.  Having to work hard all day, pick her up from Grandma's house, cook dinner, change diapers, get her and Jordan fed, give baths, clean up the dinner mess and get her down for bed.  Only to get 4 hours of sleep before repeating.

The up side to working is the money.  Though I won't be making a lot, it will add up to an extra $1000ish a month.  There's a lot of things around the house that I want to get done: new carpet, new furniture, taring down the kitchen wall, a new bed and bedroom set.  Not to mention that both of our cars are old and on their last leg.  And I'll FINALLY be able to afford a smart phone.  Also, group outings will decrease due to the Winter weather.  So working will really fill my time during the cold months.

I voiced my pros and cons to Jordan.  He told me that I didn't need to work.  That the money isn't worth my feeling of missing out on our daughter growing up.    And I'm so lucky that we are in a position that I can stay home if I want to.

In the end, I figure I'll give it a try.  At least through Winter.  The added money will be nice.  Winter is boring a dreary anyways.

But those smiles.  The giggles.  The snuggles.  She's only this age, this happy, bubbly, baby, for such a very short time.  I can't help but feel like I'll be missing out.  And I'm not sure I can deal with that.